What's Your Elephant?

This blog is intended for parent AND teacher participation. As a parent, I'm (re)reading Price of Privilege through the eyes of a biased supporter of my own child. However, the book read is intended to reach teachers (and others) who know my child (and yours) in the classroom, the hallways, and the general community.

I'd like to know how they REALLY see our Ugg sporting, Abercrombie wearing, BMW driving kids.

So - here's to the elephant in the room (and BTW I LOVE this photo!). How do our privileged kids behave when they aren't in our houses? How does our overindulgent model of parenting work for you?

When we drop off homework, instruments and lunches in the office; when we provide our kids with the latest gadget without teaching them etiquette; when we buy them a car with a price tag equal to your annual salary...how do YOU see these actions effecting our kids? What kind of kids do YOU think we're raising?

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. Havelock Ellis

As parents of middle and high school children, we frequently hear about letting go. As our kids get older, we know they need more independence, more opportunities to make their own decisions. The opportunities present themselves at different times for different families - summer camp, school dances, first dates. These are all times when as parents we must let go.

Last year, when my oldest daughter was preparing to leave for college well-meaning friends shared their words of wisdom about the letting go process. I heard the analogy of the mother bird nudging her fledglings out of the nest. Many likened it to "launching". Honestly, I didn't like the idea of "launching" her. Rockets launch. Rockets are loaded up with lots of explosives, then shot into the sky, fast and loud. They disappear quickly from sight and then silently circle the planet. I did not want to think of my daughter like this. Loudly and abrubtly leaving our house and then silently orbiting somewhere "out there".

There were times when I did feel like the mother bird. As the start date of college approached, our nest started to feel very small. Some days, I felt like tossing her out and watching her take that first frantic flight. I knew she could fly, I knew she was ready, but I didn't know how strong her wings were or how long she could fly on those first solo flights.

Pushing her out of my nest was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do as a parent. I guess I can count myself lucky, as I know there are parents who have had far more difficult tasks with their children. The day we left her on the quad, outside of her new home and walked away, will stay in my memory forever. She - standing there watching us leave, trepidation on her face. Me - trying not to look back too often, hiding my tears behind sunglasses. My heart felt like it was breaking. I knew in my head "this is what parents do" but my heart wasn't convinced.

This is our job as parents. We bring these little people into the world, fill them up with our love (and life lessons) and then let them go.

Today I read page 74 of Price of Privilege:

Letting go is necessary; it is sometimes extremely difficult....by forcing myself to tolerate anxiety and separation, we both get the opportunity to discover and develop new skills for dealing effectively with challenge....We both feel more in control of our respective worlds.

According to Dr. Levine, letting go serves a double purpose: it teaches our children how to self-manage and teaches the parent how to manage anxiety and separation (pg. 74-75 Price of Privilege). To be complete and full parents, We need to let go. When need to watch our children resolving a problem, managing a disappointment, or the transitionto college. In the same way our children benefit from the experience, we feel a sense of accomplishment in knowing that we have prepared them for their next adventure. I've never really thought about the idea that letting go is good for me, too. The letting go teaches us both

I liked reading what Dr. Levine shared about the necessity and importance of the discomfort (and sometimes fear) that comes with letting go. When have you let go and how did you learn from it?

Manager, Consultant, Scaffold....Which are You?

Merriam Webster defines Scaffolding as a supporting framework. The idea of Instructional scaffolding is the provision of sufficient support to promote learning when concepts and skills are being first introduced to students. These supports may include the following:

• Resources
• A compelling task
• Templates and guides
• Guidance on the development of cognitive and social skills

These supports are gradually removed as students develop autonomous learning strategies, thus promoting their own cognitive, affective and psychomotor learning skills and knowledge. Teachers help the students master a task or a concept by providing support. The support can take many forms such as outlines, recommended documents, storyboards, or key questions (thank you Wikipedia) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Instructional_scaffolding

Parents and teachers provide scaffolds - we are the supportive structures that help our children learn, play, grow, and develop into competent adults. When we offer advice about friends, help with homework, and guide our children through their struggles we are the scaffold on which they stand as they build their adult lives. Sometimes we become more than just the support - when we become the problem solver, the friend, or the homework author we have robbed our children of the importance of learning how to resolve the issue. Sometimes the lesson is learned in failing rather than achieving.

On page 12 of Price of Privilege, Madeline Levine writes

support is about the needs of the child, intrusion is about the needs of the parent

How do you provide scaffolding for the children in your life? When have you let the scaffolding fall? What were the results?

As a parent, do you support or intrude?

Someone once said the business of parents of middle schooers and high schoolers is learning how to navigate from manager to consultant. Bascially, we must build more and stronger scaffolding as our kids grow, eventually changing the nature of the support so their strong adult-selves can stand independently.