"My mother is everywhere and nowhere."That's a quote from the The Price of Privilege by Madeline Levine. We're reading it for our community book read this year. I'm re-reading it.
So, why did this quote stick with me, now? I've been talking and meeting about this subject for months. So why does this girls' statement about her mother make me so uncomfortable.
Perhaps because that quote could have been said by my daughter. I confess. I'm over involved. I want to KNOW what my kids are doing. I want to be everywhere. And I think, sometimes, if I'm everywhere, I'm really not where I should be.
I think I want to know EVERYTHING my kids are doing. But really? Do I? Well, I think I do, until I learn what they are doing, and then I realize...I don't really want to know all the details of their lives.
I DO want to keep them safe. I DO want to make sure they don't get hurt - emotionally or physically. I DO want to save them from the hurtfulness that having friends can sometimes cause. I DO want to make sure they don't make the same mistakes I made. I DO want to be a friend sometimes and a parent at other times. I DO want to be their confidante and their parent.
But when I'm in the details, when I'm everywhere, I'm really nowhere. And it's not good for anyone.
Where are you?
I think this particular quote is a very powerful one. I do feel that as a parent and sometimes as an educator we apply pressures that isolate our kids. Many times when I ask students that are struggling with a particular issue if they have talked with their parents? 9 times out of 10 the answer is verbatim, "No, they wouldn't understand." I, ofcourse, feel obliged to probe and more often than not, the student is fearful of "letting them down." To me, I think this is a symptom of imbalance and often setting expectations of our own for our children. On page 12 of the book, Levine write "support is about the needs of the student....intrusion is about the needs of the parent." I see this everyday.
ReplyDeleteSo many times students apologize for their parents, "Mrs. Lusher, I am so sorry, really it is okay. My mom/dad just get really upset." Are we listening to the needs of our kids or are we feeding our own? or worse, are we ignoring their voice?
I see how parents can be "everywhere and nowhere" at the same time. We want to expose our children to several activities. However, we can miss opportunities to connect with them if their days are too structured. Simply having a conversation over dinner, playing a board game, or even watching a "family favorite" television show allows time for us to be present with our children.
ReplyDeleteMy New Year resolution is to "be in the moment." Basically, I want to slow down and concentrate on what is happening right then...not the list of 20 things I have to do. I immediately identified with Levine's "My mother is everywhere and nowhere" section. I am pledging to put my itouch or cell down, and just participate in the moment whether I am transporting kids to the next event, talking with a colleague or simply sledding with the kids. I tend to rush things and make everyone around me feel rushed.
ReplyDeleteOn page 33, Levine mentions the importance of regular dinners and the direct impact it has on the family. I thought that was very interesting. We are going to turn off the tv and catch up with each other during dinner. Does it matter if it happens at 6 or 8 at night? The important part is being together.
As a mother of young children I truly am "everywhere" and feel like I am getting "nowhere" sometimes, but as an educator being "everywhere" sometimes feels driven by the curriculum that the state of Ohio wants me to cover. As a former math teacher, I cannot tell you how often I was having to cover miles of information (that is the everywhere) and losing my students in the process (they were getting nowhere).
ReplyDeleteNow as a science teacher the curriculum is not as mile wide, but I can still lose focus and be everywhere. I find that if I keep my focus on my students needs (social, emotional, and overall wellness)the curriculum finds a way of being meaningful. For example, taking the time to spend with my classes in swickard woods and combining themes from wellness class (mental health topics), books from language arts (this year: The Seedfolks), and teaching students to be more aware and to observe and infere in the natural environment allows them to and I to "slow down" enough to connect so that when I have to drive forward with curriculum we are all connected enough to learn / teach what has to be accomplished.
Mandy- great points!! I like how your tied the concept of "rushing" kids through their childhood by focusing on achievement and performance to educators having to "plough" through so much curriculum.
ReplyDeleteI think life today for teens is stressful, and it is difficult not to fall into the trap of worrying about your child's success. I liked the quote on page 14, "Raising children has come to look more and more like a business endeavor and less and less like an endeavor of the heart." What has happened to our lives that we have to remind families to stop their busy schedules and eat dinner together? Just like Mandy's comment about looking at her students from a "whole" child perspective, we need to remember that our own children need time to grow and develop into interesting adults. Childhood should be a place where both success and failure can occur in a safe and nurturing environment.
I agree with Tina's post. Levine writes on page 33 that, "Eating together reinforces the idea that family members are interested, available and concerned about each other. It provides a reliable time and place for kids to share accomplishments, challenges, and worries, to check in with parents and siblings, or simply to feel part of the family." Eating dinner together was something my family did every night. The importance of being together for that one part of the day to talk and share ideas was a big impact on my life. I always felt happy and listened to by my whole family during this time. Even to this day, when I go home to visit, we eat meals together at the table and talk. I hope that someday when my husband and I start a family that this tradition will become one that my children will cherish as well.
ReplyDeleteChildren thrive on consistency. Family rituals such as eating together provide family members with the connection and sense of belonging we all long for. Engaging in meaningful conversation around meals reinforces to all family members that they are loved and valued. The relationship a child has with their family is crucial for a child's overall well-being, character development and resiliency factors when dealing with the inevitable crises in life. The more technicological savy we become the faster we have to go to keep up with it all. I commend all families who are making an effort to unplug electronically and plug into their family on a regular basis, our families are worth it.
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