All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. Havelock Ellis
As parents of middle and high school children, we frequently hear about letting go. As our kids get older, we know they need more independence, more opportunities to make their own decisions. The opportunities present themselves at different times for different families - summer camp, school dances, first dates. These are all times when as parents we must let go.
Last year, when my oldest daughter was preparing to leave for college well-meaning friends shared their words of wisdom about the letting go process. I heard the analogy of the mother bird nudging her fledglings out of the nest. Many likened it to "launching". Honestly, I didn't like the idea of "launching" her. Rockets launch. Rockets are loaded up with lots of explosives, then shot into the sky, fast and loud. They disappear quickly from sight and then silently circle the planet. I did not want to think of my daughter like this. Loudly and abrubtly leaving our house and then silently orbiting somewhere "out there".
There were times when I did feel like the mother bird. As the start date of college approached, our nest started to feel very small. Some days, I felt like tossing her out and watching her take that first frantic flight. I knew she could fly, I knew she was ready, but I didn't know how strong her wings were or how long she could fly on those first solo flights.
Pushing her out of my nest was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do as a parent. I guess I can count myself lucky, as I know there are parents who have had far more difficult tasks with their children. The day we left her on the quad, outside of her new home and walked away, will stay in my memory forever. She - standing there watching us leave, trepidation on her face. Me - trying not to look back too often, hiding my tears behind sunglasses. My heart felt like it was breaking. I knew in my head "this is what parents do" but my heart wasn't convinced.
This is our job as parents. We bring these little people into the world, fill them up with our love (and life lessons) and then let them go.
Today I read page 74 of Price of Privilege:
Letting go is necessary; it is sometimes extremely difficult....by forcing myself to tolerate anxiety and separation, we both get the opportunity to discover and develop new skills for dealing effectively with challenge....We both feel more in control of our respective worlds.
According to Dr. Levine, letting go serves a double purpose: it teaches our children how to self-manage and teaches the parent how to manage anxiety and separation (pg. 74-75 Price of Privilege). To be complete and full parents, We need to let go. When need to watch our children resolving a problem, managing a disappointment, or the transitionto college. In the same way our children benefit from the experience, we feel a sense of accomplishment in knowing that we have prepared them for their next adventure. I've never really thought about the idea that letting go is good for me, too. The letting go teaches us both
I liked reading what Dr. Levine shared about the necessity and importance of the discomfort (and sometimes fear) that comes with letting go. When have you let go and how did you learn from it?
While I cannot yet relate to the feelings of a parent letting go of a child, as an elementary teacher I feel that letting go can happen even at the young ages of students in Kindergarten and First Grade.
ReplyDeleteEach year as I greet my new students and parents at Open House or more importantly the first day of school, I can sense their feelings of nervousness and curiosity. The students seem very excited for school, but without the comfort of family, become scared and shy. The parents have lots of questions (which I expect) and seem a little nervous too.
Many years, the first day starts with tears from students and sometimes parents as the parents who have chosen to bring their child to school encounter a tough time leaving. It breaks my heart to have to watch a student cry as their parent leaves, but I know deep down that the student will be just fine once they have calmed down.
As Dr. Levine writes, "... it is also a thrill when we realize that the totally dependent infant we once held, guided by our love and good sense, has matured into a person who feels capable or making his way out in the world."
Maybe making the way out into the world is simply just starting school, but the thrill of being a part of such an important time in a child's life for development and learning is so exciting. As I watch students start the year shy and quiet to developing personalities and a sense of self at school, it's interesting to watch the changes parents make as well. They seem more comfortable with the classroom routines and recognize responsibilities and tasks their child can do independently. Although they haven't let go completely... and definitely shouldn't yet... I see where sense of self can start to develop and a little bit of letting go takes place.
Debbie Donskov,
ReplyDeleteI "let go" at any early stage with my 3 sons. They all 3 left home during high school, lived in Canada with a host family, and played junior hockey. This was something they all 3 wanted to experience and something that they were familiar with as they were all 3 born in Canada. My husband and I decided to "let go" in order that they might have this experience. With the wonderful assistance and support of both their Westerville North HS Guidance Dept. and the school that they attended in Canada, their course work was arranged; however, school work was only one of many challenges that they had to negotiate. Their day (life) was all about self-management. Yes, I spoke to them often and physically saw them atleast onece a month. I have reserve opinions about having sacrificed this personal time, time that I as a partent will not get back, but overall this was a period of great personal growth for them. Priorities changed, grades were not as important as was happiness, daily success and completion of responsibilities. I must say that partent-teacher conferences were enlightening. I was able to get a perspective on my sons from teachers that had no previous experience or knowledge of their background. As for my sons, this was a time of self-management. For me, I worried a lot and had a large phone bill. Because they were far away, my husband and I had little impact on negotiating their daily lives and responsibilities. They were developing a sense of autonomy. For the most part I was unable to intrude. I, in turn, became a better listener. When we spoke, I listened intently to detail and relied more on their feedback, feelings, and desires. We all learned from this experience.
Debbie Donskov,
ReplyDelete"Letting go" is what must evolve as our children grow up and "leave the nest." Yes, like a mother bird we monitor, assist, and teach for success of flight but we also have to let our children learn from their own actions. This is the difficult part as we try to protect and assure success and happiness for them. As parents we know that life is not always perfect and happy and we need to assist our children in learning skills to "navigate difficult waters." (p. 86) Life is a continuous problem solving situation. Our goal should be to model, assist, and provide support to our children as they attempt to spread their wings, explore unknown waters, or bomb a test! Learning stategies to rebound after a seemingly important failure is so important. Levine states that the "internal home is where we all reteat to when we need to take care of ourselves." We want our children to have this safe internal home.
How do we raise independent and strong daughters? I like all of the above ideas on how to "transmit values," and nurture teens so they bloom into independent adults; however, I was wondering if parents were noticing the "extra" challenges in raising young teenage girls?
ReplyDeleteI do not want to make generalizations, but it appears that girls are more "bombarded" with media images that make them strive towards unnatural beauty. The media also promotes unhealthy relationships between mothers and daughters.
Levine states, "...advertisers target girls and women in an effort to make them feel bad about themselves in order to encourage consumerism" (51). Adolescent girls struggle with their sense of self since they are trying to live up to airbrushed images of perfection that do not exist in the real world. Parents and educators can help by teaching our teenagers that human beings are not without flaws, and that this is actually a good thing.
"Advertisers target girls and women in an effort to make them feel bad about themselves in order to encourage consumerism"(p.51). Knowing this to be true as a woman, is it not my job to combat it now as a mother? How? If we know this is happening to our own "woman" culture...to our own daughters...how do we stop it? Turning off the TV? Not paying attention to magazines?
ReplyDeleteAs a teacher advertisers are on the front of our students clothes, in the music they listen too, in they way the communicate with one another. So my one defense toward stopping it is actually talking about it with my students. Using community meetings to discuss social issues that are often thrust upon the teen population by the media is a great way to address social justice issues that often squirm into their lives. Addressing these social justice issues together helps to open up the door when it comes to the learning side of my class. When the kids know you care and want to talk about more than just miosis and mitosis they often will perform better when it comes to academics because they associate the caring with the class.